Finding Deep Calm Underneath My Mind’s Turbulence
Reflections from the Universal Gift that prepared me for My Father’s Transition
It’s a Wednesday morning. One week ago today my father made his transition to the next life. One week ago my family was gathered around my kitchen table beginning to deal with this new reality and decide how best to honor his great legacy.
Today, one week later, I sit on my couch with a mix of emotions going through my head and heart. Sadness. Grief. A bit of Panic. A sense of needing to get back to work. Wondering what IS my work. Does it even matter? I could liken my mind this morning to a churning, turbulent sea.
Yet, there is something more there. Something even deeper. Below all that surface-level emotional turbulence is a deep well of inner peace like the calm of the very deep sea. The currents of my mind run over the top of that deep deep calm.
Is the Turbulanance ME?
Here is the funny thing — I used to think that turbulence was me. That was before I discovered the real me. The me that sits and observes the turbulent me.
This morning, on my couch with my coffee, my cat, and my minion fuzzy blanket (I love the Minions!) I can see that my life circumstances hold much uncertainty. How will my family and I adjust to not having the man in our lives who anchored us? My business feels uncertain — I wonder if I am using my skills and potential to the greatest of my ability (something I talk about every day in my work) My youngest child graduates in a few months — a moment she and I both look forward to, yet the unknown of what comes next (mainly for me! Onward to college for her.)
I used to be afraid of the emotional turbulence and the storms. They seemed like an indication that something was wrong with me.
Something lacking. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t prepared enough, I wasn’t working hard enough. I feared having money. I feared not having money. I feared not having a partner. I feared having a partner. The turbulence of emotions felt like it would swallow me whole at times. That turbulence motivated me to go on the journey of a lifetime.
The Journey to Calm the Turbulence Continues
I’m quite certain I have been walking this journey of discovery my entire life yet the last ten years accelerated the personal growth for me. One milestone that stands out strong happened about 3 years ago. June of 2018. I was sitting in a tiny cafe in a mountain town in North Carolina and my friend said “I’d like to propose a challenge that for 90 days we live and make all of our decisions from a place of intuition.”
Immediately, I said Yes — but I want to commit to a year instead of ninety days. My life and my understanding of intuition have changed a lot from the day I said yes to that challenge.
I thought intuition was the quiet voice inside of me leading me to choices that would make me “happy.”
While on the surface I still believe this is true, as I reflect today from my couch, I see two things:
The first insight is I was trying to make my “mind” happy. Happiness to me was all of my life circumstances being in a certain order so that I could be Ok. The second insight is I was about to reach a new depth of understanding who “ I “ was/am that was going to change everything.
I thought I was setting out on a journey to make my dreams come true, to accomplish all of the greatness that my soul was bursting to bring forth. No doubt that is still true yet the journey has looked NOTHING like I imagined!
Instead of a path of manifesting everything that I wanted in perfect order, it has been a journey into the depths of my soul. In my soul, I strengthened this deep abiding connection to the universal I AM presence. I saw anger and hurt and emotion and fear bubbling up from the deep floor of the ocean of my soul. This time, instead of resisting these bubbles of fear and emotion and trying to stop them I allowed them to surface.
Finding the “Pockets of Anger”
All of the teachings of Michael Singer, Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, and Wayne Dyer began to make sense at an even deeper level. Michael Singer talks about remaining present while we sit behind and watch the emotional arrows (samskaras) release from deep inside our soul. Then, I only conceptually knew what that meant.
Today, I know what that means from experience.
There are a slowing and an end to the bubbles of emotion and emotional wounds that are trapped below the surface. Jess Lively calls these emotional “beanbags.” I discovered lots of beanbags — or as I called them pockets of anger — the past year. This anger was bubbling away deep below the surface and finally, I allowed it up to be released.
I found an even deeper calm with each pocket of anger I released.
Surrender, flow, and connection are words that have new meaning for me.
I understand now that my “intuition” is really the liquid melted gold of my creator flowing through me like a live, living water — the eys’s of my soul.
I also understand that my physical eyes have limited vision. Humanly, they can just see so far. But the eyes of my soul (intuition, flow, presence) have an unlimited vision or maybe perception is a better word.
The eyes of my soul perceive and know things I can not humanly know because they are connected to that golden river of living flow.
What is Surrender?
I used to think of surrender as a bad thing. It seemed to mean giving up to something unwanted. Now, I see at a soul level surrender means relaxing into this deep golden flow of life running through me.
Surrender means trusting at a deeper level than I ever have before that this flow of life IS taking me in the direction of my highest good and greatest potential.
Because here is the thing — I was put here as a human. I’ve had human experiences of being a parent, managing people, starting a business, connecting hearts, helping people heal their trauma, and learning coaching skills, — these are all experiences that I had to have so that the golden flow of life could merge with the human me and together we can fulfill our purpose and mission here on this plane.
Some days I see that mission and purpose clearly with the “eyes of my soul” and other days like today — my human eyes more easily see the turbulence and unknown. But even today the turbulence of the unknown is supported by the mighty deep calm waters of presence.
I said earlier that I thought living by intuition was “all of my life circumstances being in a certain order so that I could be Ok”.
The greatest awakening of my life has been realizing I am OK no matter what my life circumstances.
So even though I’ve released some intense emotions and walked through some fiery fear the last year, it’s been from a place of complete joy and presence.
My Beautiful Gift from the Universe that I didn’t know I wanted.
The universe gave me a magical gift in preparation for my last month with my dad. In December my business slowed almost to a halt. My regular clients decided to take a break and I curiously watched the slowdown. My family took the most amazing family trip and I committed to no work for the 10 days we were gone. We enjoyed each sunset, dip of our toes in the ocean, friends, and great food. When we returned I saw the decline in my father’s health. Seven days later on Christmas day, we took him to the hospital. Twenty-six days later we said good-bye for the last time on this earthly plane.
I was joyfully and painfully present for every moment of it.
It’s why one week later I can write about it. The beautiful deep living eyes of my soul slowed my business and gave me the gift of being available for my father, my mom, and my family during this time.
My soul loves and craves adventure, so even as I sit here and write, the turbulence on the surface has calmed and I know something grand is unfolding from the uncertainty.
Could I ask you one question? What fear, emotion, or circumstance in your life are you resisting? Once you have answered that now lean into it. No matter how it feels like it might consume you lean in.
You will not fall.
Your foot will catch you.
And on the other side, you too will have created a deeper relationship with the golden river of life that flows through you.
It’s the ONLY thing that matters.