Feeling Stuck? Learn how I quite feeling trapped by life.
How Having an Open Mindset Fosters Happiness
Check out my Video Thoughts on this topic here!
Feeling Trapped or Stuck? Consider this:
This morning my mom rang me from the hospital where she was keeping my dad company during his recovery.
She called me from her iPad to tell me she forgot her cell phone.
I couldn’t help muse that I am so grateful we have so many ways to stay in touch today — What’sAp; Messenger; Cell Phone; FaceTime; Land-line…..
I remember the days of monitoring how many minutes you were on a long-distance call so your bill wasn’t too high.
In a few hours, I have a zoom call with friends in 3 different countries and 2 continents and it will feel like we are chatting in the same room.
What IF a person was attached to ONLY talking on the phone that they grew up with? How limited would their life be today? This is what I refer to as a “fixed mindset” when I work with clients.
What is a fixed mindset?
A fixed mindset happens when we narrow our options to only what the mind can perceive. Let’s put it like this: Let’s say you were shopping in your favorite mall and you saw three outfits in the window of your favorite store. You love the outfits! Wow! The Pink and grey one for sure would make a great addition to your closet. Now as you move on through the mall all you can think about is that pink and grey outfit, or maybe even the pink and grey top with those cute pants that were also in the window!
Whatever options your mind is conjuring up are limited to what it can rationally imagine based on the experience of seeing the outfits in the window.
The reality is the store has many more outfits to choose from. The many outfit choices inside the doors may even be a better fit for you — tailored to your body style and even the length of your legs (I’m short I know this one!) Once you see what is in the rest of the store, you may completely lose interest in that pink and grey number that has bewitched you so far.
Yet, what if you don’t step foot in the store? You miss out on all the other opportunities there.
The former CEO of the company I used to work for refused to give up his blackberry for years…..now you couldn’t PAY me to go back to using a blackberry!
But — what else are you clinging to in your life because “That’s that the way it’s always been.” or “we don’t do that way in our family.” or “You have to stay in this relationship because you made a vow (back when you were 20 and young and didn’t know anything…)
How fixed mindsets pretend to be reality.
The other day I had a potential client tell me…. I have tried everything! She was in a difficult relationship that she could see was going nowhere but she was feeling trapped. Not enough money, not enough good work options, her partner would not change his behavior, she couldn’t see how she could care for the kids, she had no family nearby. She is out of options and therefore trapped. Stuck.
She has bought into the idea that the only options available are those she can see in the “window.” To her, this is completely real because it’s all she can see.
I see this over and over again with clients who are in situations that they don’t like. Jobs that are comfortably uncomfortable. Tolerating bad behavior from a partner, friend, or parent. Running a business that feels more like it’s running you.
Feeling stuck, trapped, or limited on your options is a guarantee you are stuck in the fixed mindset trap.
2 Reasons we stay trapped in a fixed mindset.
What keeps my clients stuck in these fixed mindsets? Well, the answer truly is simple. We have not been taught skills to expand our thinking and perception and we become so attached to the problems we are facing that they seem like our life instead of just life circumstances.
First, I never took a class in school that taught me how to set aside my emotions and look at all options. When I was training to be a life coach, I learned a simple tool to do this. It’s called a choice wheel. It works wonders to help someone get unstuck. It’s simple and goes like this:
- Identify an issue you feel stuck on
- Draw a circle on a piece of paper.
- Divide it into 6–12 pie shaped slices (you get to decide your happy number of slices)
- Now, brainstorm an option for each slice. The key here is not to limit the options you write down no matter how crazy they seem. It’s also a great time to have a friend or coach help you brainstorm for those options that you may be overlooking.
The experience of completing this exercise usually brings insight and awareness that wasn’t previously available. It’s like going into the dress shop and beginning to shop for the perfect options that suit you exactly.
Second, it’s easy to mistake our life circumstances for our life. The best advice I was given during a difficult time in my life was this: Someday this experience will just be something you went through. At the time it seemed all-consuming. There was nothing else. Yet looking back I can see it was just the “scenery” on that part of the life path I was walking. Life experiences shape who we are but they do not define us at our core.
To not be defined by life circumstances means we have to get to the real business of understanding who we are at our core.
Opening up to who we really are!
Nothing opens up our perspectives in life more than making the decision to open the door to ourselves and discover the uniqueness and beauty of who we truly are.
My very fixed perspective of who I was through my 20’s and early 30’s was all about who people around me told me I was. I defined myself solely by external measuring sticks. These measuring sticks included the religion I was raised in, the peer group I hung out with, the society I lived in, and how I determined my own worth and value in relation to how well I excelled — or didn’t excel according to these external markers.
Let me give you an example: I was raised in a culture where it was not ok for a young person to openly speak and share thoughts and opinions that differed from the peer group around me. Doing so could result in public humiliation and loss of approval — maybe even being “kicked out” of this group. Consequently, for many years after I no longer was in this peer group I still unconsciously monitored myself and never shared a genuine thought or opinion that I felt might be different from the people I was currently surrounded with.
All of my interactions were based on external measures. None of them were about being true to what was inside of me. That is until I began to heal the layers of hurt that papered over the real me. As each layer was healed and peeled away, I discovered another piece of the worthy, beautiful human being I am.
My life has changed 360 degrees several times on this journey. All of my decisions today are made first by evaluating whether they are in line with who I am as a person — my values, my life purpose. This cuts like a ray of sun through the clouds that used to be there.
Connection to Self Fosters Happiness
In hindsight, I can see that my fixed mindset came from defining myself and my life by the people and circumstances around me.
I remember clearly the day I made a vow to myself to only make decisions that honored the happiness of my soul. This commitment to me, to my worth, my value, my own journey opens up unlimited possibilities.
How has it changed reality? Well the 20something me felt obligated to stay in relationships and jobs that were bit by bit stealing my soul. The 40something wiser version of me sees that no job or relationship is worth giving up any part of my beautiful soul. It makes decisions easier.
This last year I entered into a working agreement with a gentleman that looked and felt like a great opportunity. Two months into the business relationship it began to not feel right. I requested a meeting to explore the concerns further. During that meeting, the guy talked down to me, made it clear he did not value my experience or concerns and tried to push me into doing things in a way that was not aligned with my values. A few years ago I would have stayed feeling obligated and committed to follow-through on the agreement. Today, I realize that even if it was a financial hardship for me the only decision there was to make was to part ways. I trusted that alignment to my own happiness was now my only option.
Having an Open Growth Mindset Fosters Happiness
In review, what I have learned is that when I feel trapped and limited it is usually because I am evaluating circumstances as if they were my only option — and most likely my own health, happiness, and wellbeing are not a top priority.
I have also learned that new tools, such as the choice wheel or having a good friend or coach helps me to expand my thinking and understanding. Most of all when I commit to doing only what is in the greatest good for me it leads me to happiness and opportunities that I previously could not see.
I’m not going to promise you smooth sailing, rainbows, and roses if you choose to let go of your attachments and fixed mindsets and venture into the world of openly aligning life with your highest good. ..instead, you will most likely be challenged to face every fear and story that swirls around in your mind when you lay silent in bed.
But I can promise you that it will be worth it. The person you discover when you step out of the shadows and see the real you is that beautiful version of you that you keep locked away and hidden.
The world needs THAT you — the authentic beautiful you. You need YOU.
Let go of the known and come walk with me in the journey of the unknown!
I guarantee we will have a blast together!
⏱🚀
It’s Time you awaken to the greatness inside of you that lies on the other side of putting down that blackberry ☎️ (or whatever you are clinging too….)
Yours Truly
Vicki
