Lesson and Insights from a former “cult” member

9 signs that you are treading in dangerous “cultish” territory

There is a lot of talk in the media these days about cults and cult-like followings. We see the words thrown about in politics and in ideologies. If you have never been part of such a group be grateful. The damage they cause is deep. They are also hard to spot from “within” unless you know the red-flags to watch for.

In this article, I am going to outline the red-flag signals of extreme fringe groups and give you some suggested guidelines to live by to avoid cultish entanglements.

I speak with authority on the subject of cults and cult-like behavior because I have been part of at least 2 cults and on the fringes of a 3rd. So I am rather an authority on the subject based on my own personal experience…and a slow learner? (LOL).

The “cults” I have been part of are a religion, a MLM company, and a fringe company/group that taught personal development classes.

Why people become involved

People are seeking significance in their lives. They want to be part of something that has meaning and gives them a greater sense of purpose and belonging. Many are also seeking personal development and positive change in their lives and are drawn to those who promise this.

It’s what drew my parents to join the religious group I was born into — long before I was born.

For them it seemed harmless when they joined — they were searching for a deeper meaning in life that they had not found in the religions of their youth — and it provided a sense of hope, friendship, connection and spiritual depth that they were looking for.

When I joined the MLM company, I was looking for an opportunity for financial security that I didn’t perceive was available to me through traditional means. I was searching for an opportunity to be the “go to” person for my family, to be the provider of a good life for my kids, and a deep desire to make a difference and help people.

The third group I was on the fringe of taught personal development classes. It had a charismatic leader, taught life-changing personal development tools, and even helped me to grow as a human. Because of my past experience with cults, I quickly spotted the potential in this group for it to go “awry” when the leader claimed to have no “ego” and to be a direct channel to know what was best for the people in the class.

Following is a summary of the common characteristics I have experienced that make up dangerous groups.

9 Red Flags there may be Danger Ahead

1. The Leader is very Likeable and Charismatic — And likes to be in control.

This individual usually places him/herself in the role of knowing what’s best for the group. Possibly even claiming to have insight not available to others because of their training, experiences, and connections. Usually, as things accelerate the leader goes from being likable and charismatic to extreme, controlling, and narcissistic — even encouraging and inciting violence (emotional or physical) against those who disagree.

2. Life Revolves around the group/organization/ideal which is seen as the “only” option.

Everything else in your life now has to revolve around this group/job/ideal — people even partners who don’t agree are now “wrong/bad.” You are expected to give time and financial support for the cause or you are looked down upon by other members of the clan.

Leaders claim they have the “truth” “insights” “way” that no one else has. Anyone who sees this differently is evil/unlightened/dumb. If this ideology is not followed certain failure or destruction is imminent. (according to the leaders)

3. The Group has strong ideal’s that are hard to argue against:

God. Greatness. Financial Success. These ideals are used as the tools to evaluate everything. In reality, the ideals are just opinions but people begin to believe them as absolute facts the more the leader repeats them. Often, this includes manipulation of media, ancient texts, and leadership principles to point out how the ideal is “far superior.” Often those idea’s become a narrow gateway to something you can only have through this group's path. “Going to heaven” “Only way you can be financially independent” “only way we will be great again” “Only path to SAVE a (person, nation, family….)

4. It fosters separation of friends and family.

Being part of these groups causes division among your peers/friends/family/normal life because they see the shift to extreme ideologies. Yet separating from the group usually means being cut off, blocked, friend deleted, or shunned from the people who encouraged you to distance yourself from anyone who differed in belief.

You may notice a member or participant that doesn’t agree with the ideals being cast as a “bad” person and encouraged not to associate. Other group members follow the direction of the leader to unfriend anyone who falls out of favor so that they stay in favor with the leader.

Separation from friends and family who are not part of the group is encouraged so that they can no longer “be a negative influence.”

5. Everything about this consumes your life.

Where you work, when you eat/sleep who your friends are and it may cause you to make irrational decisions — like moving to be closer to the group, to further its mission, or be a closer part of the “cause.”

6. Being Right or Special.

You feel that you have to justify/defend/fight to prove to everyone else that this way is right — or you feel so “above” everyone else that it’s not “worth” your time to explain it as they wouldn’t “get it anyway.”

7. Everyone else is Wrong.

Anyone who tries to show another viewpoint is “wrong.” There is a great division of Us Vs Them. If you are not for me you are against me. If you are not my friend you are my enemy.

8. Public Humiliation and the threat of physical punishment/violence.

Belittling others in front of peers becomes a way to control and manipulate and even leads to threats of physical violence or punishment. The leader may pick on those in the group “less worthy” and demand greater levels of allegiance to “prove” their loyalty. Also, they may threaten violence against those who disagree, have left the organization, or hold an opposing view.

9. Group is frequently family-led.

It’s common that these types of organizations are led by a family group. This heightens the appeal of a “family-oriented culture” and strengthens that danger as members are now influenced from every point. It is common for a husband-wife duo or a parent-child duo to “rule” without question.

Here is the Key Lesson I have learned from all of my experiences:

Never, Never give up the right to listen to your own inner guidance in favor of what someone else thinks and tells you is best for you. It doesn’t matter how famous the person is, what success they have had or who what guru they have studied with. It doesn’t matter whether it is on a personal, religious, career or political level. This is dangerous territory.

I have established some guidelines in my life as a result of these rules. They are principles that have served me well and serve as signals when something is out of balance.

Vicki’s Guidelines to Peaceful Living

1. Only I know what’s best for me. Always. No Exceptions. — no one else has the right to tell me they know what’s better than my own inner voice.
2. I HONOR my own voice, feelings, and thoughts even if they differ from those around me.
3. I RESPECTFULLY share my truth — I am no longer silenced — I share it in a way that is respectful to me and respectful to the person/people I am sharing it with.
4. I decide who I associate with even if their opinions/views differ from mine. If someone tries to influence me to not associate with, unfriend, block, another because of their differing points of view I see it as a red flag. I don’t make any decisions solely based on the recommendation of a group/person.
5. I separate ME from my viewpoints — political, spiritual beliefs etc. I don’t allow myself to be so identified with my point of view/opinion that if another person disagrees it causes me to feel personally attacked. My belief/opinion/view is not me. Nor is someone else’s belief/opinion/view a definition of their entire being.
6. Remain open-minded. Any time I sense narrow fixed perspectives I know there is danger lurking. I can ask curious questions — why do you see things that way? What helped you come to that conclusion? Have you experienced that yourself? And it gives me insight into another point of view — and shows me things I did not see from my own vantage point. I do my homework and am willing to change my mind if new information on a belief or topic appears. I find the facts for myself. I am not looking to defend a point of view when I do this.
7. I HONOR my own beliefs as Mine — and don’t require or need the people in my life to share them in order to be at peace with them.
8. I DON’T have to convince anyone of my point of view. It’s just that My Point of View. I can even work to promote my point of view — as I am doing in writing this article!
9. I recognize that when someone triggers me with their belief/actions it’s a reflection of something going on/active inside of me and I use it to dig deeper.
10. I can walk away and still value others. I Am not shy about walking away from jobs/discussions/people who only feel the need to point fingers/blame and use dividing language. It’s not my job to convince them otherwise — they are entitled to their view — and I can choose to move on and not resist who they are and what they represent. Resisting usually is the same as empowering. So resisting someone else’s belief/point of view usually just makes them firmer and more entrenched that they are “right” and the other person is “wrong.”

Awakening happens. It does have to come from within. Once you see the facts not adding up. You begin to be wise to the frauds, and lies that you have been sold as “truths.”

Then awakening happens.

Leaving is Difficult

It’s not an easy process to leave a cultish group that you have become entrenched in.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away, to be a dissenter, to “leave” and It carries a lot of shame of “I should have seen this sooner” “I should have known better.”

My family left the religious group I grew up in when I was 15 at the cost of a sister (whom I have not seen in 30+ years) and many aunts, uncles, friends, and extended connections that overnight shunned us.

When I left the MLM company the same thing happened. Those who had been my trusted friends and leaders and advisors suddenly had no time for me. They evaporated out of my life in a quick puff.

The fringe group — well I saw that coming so I took the personal development learning that I needed from it and parted ways. It saddens me to hear stories later of others who were more deeply committed to the group and the danger and separation it caused in their lives.

The people involved in these groups/organizations/companies are not bad people. They are people just like you and me who desire to find something of significance and meaning in their lives.

The difference is — are you doing to unconsciously allow others to influence you? Or are you going to awaken and dig deeper inside of you to find that meaning?

The leaders however, have let their love of power, manipulation and money run rampant and no longer care how it damages those who follow them.

These religions/companies/ideologies/parties cause deep deep division and hurt. They risk tearing apart the fabric of families, lives, communities, and nations.

We only turn from this path when we begin to look inward for the truth, heal the things that trigger us so we can get deeper yet discovering love, connection, and guidance within us — not from outside of us.

Healing After the Fact

If you have been down this path I encourage you — don’t waste time with guilt, shame, or blame of how you got there. Just ask yourself — what was I seeking and looking for that caused me to go in that direction — that will give you much better answers.

Do be intentional about understanding the dangers so you can avoid them in the future. Be kind to yourself and seek healing for the hurt and damage that’s been done. Don’t let the well-meaning words of friends who don’t understand stall your recovery.

What now?

I hope that by sharing my own experiences, the red flags that fringe organizations exhibit, and the guidelines I use in my life today someone will be spared getting deeper into one of these groups.

If….

✔️ you have experienced this I’d love to hear your story

✔️ you think you may be involved in a fringe group and you don’t know what to do

or

✔️ you or someone you know is healing or wondering how to move on from a similar experience

….then send me an email at vicki@tslimits.com. I help people heal from cult-like experiences and create caring LIFE Circle Communities that connect individuals with others on similar healing journeys.

Please consider sharing this article with a friend or family member you know it will resonate with.